I feel I need to write this blog post, I still to this day bare a heavy weight of my attempted suicide, even with counselling it still sometimes plays on mind, thankfully I know what to do to stop me ever getting that low again. Regularly I hear people make comments about people who commit suicide, yes I do understand your rose tinted glasses view. However if you can say you have never been to such a dark place, please never say it is a selfish act.
When I tried to end my life I spent months, desperately trying to get out of a hole I was in. I was desperate to not feel the pain anymore, I just wanted to be happy. As I've said before in this blog, I spent a time looking at running away, looking back now, it wouldn't have worked, you can't run away from your thoughts and feelings, no matter how hard you try. I would go for walks along the beach, get to a high point looking down at the rocks and seriously consider jumping. I would stand there thinking of the injuries I would sustain, if I fell and my head hit the rocks first it would be more likely to kill me. I'd walk back from school hoping, wishing, dreaming of a car hitting me and killing me. At that age I did anything I could to get out of the incredibly deep, dark hole. I couldn't deal with being bullied anymore, I couldn't deal with being different, I couldn't live with the threat of horrifying complications, I couldn't deal with the daily trials and tribulations of living with diabetes, I couldn't deal with feeling a failure. I felt like I was just a nuisance to everyone, that my family, my friends lives would be much better without me. They didn't really love me anyway, I was a nuisance to them, I brought bad luck to them. This is the biggest thing about suicide, when I attempted it, when I then seriously considered it at uni, it's not a selfish act, yes you leave your loved ones asking why, but I spent month especially the first time, planning how I would do it, putting it off due to my family, I never jumped because I couldn't put my family through that. An insulin overdose would be much kinder to them, find that I had died in my sleep, at that time not know why, like every death it would be hard for the loved ones left behind, but they didn't see me in a graphic way, I would look peaceful sleeping. Through the whole thoughts of doing it my family were always at the front of my mind. But I felt life would be better for them without me there, I never did any of this without thinking of the consequences the effects that would go on my family.
Even with thinking about my parents, my brothers, my sister, my dog. My life was too much of an endless dark pit, I couldn't deal with the pain I had been holding for so long. I just wanted to end the pain, to end the torture that was put on me, that my life gave me, that living with diabetes and the thoughts of the complications put on a 12 year old. No child at the age of 6 should have known about the horrific complications that could happen by not looking after yourself. No 6 year old should have to think of losing limbs, losing their sight, having a heart attack, a stroke, kidneys failing. No 6 year old should know about that!
The act of suicide is much more than a selfish act, I could never call it a selfish act. Those who do are the lucky ones, the ones who have never felt such a deep dark depression, a depression that makes you think differently, that makes you feel worthless, that makes you think your loved ones life would be better without you in it. Suicide is not selfish, but I'm glad you think that, because it means you really have never been in such a place, you've had much more happiness, you've never had to go through such a horrible feeling, never had to sit in such a dark room, where there is no light, no doors to get out, just the walls closing in on you.
Suicide and the thoughts that come with suicide is the hardest thing to describe, you never really can describe it to someone who hasn't been through it. If you have been through it, you have a very special connection to another person who has. If you have lived with depression, with suicidal thoughts it will make your future life much harder to live, you look for answers to why you are suffering. I become much more aware of what goes on.
I don't look through rose tinted glasses, I don't have the privilege to say I have never had depression or never felt so low that I wanted to take my life. I wish I was, I wish I looked through naivety, through the sunny side of life.
I just ask you, yes you who has never experienced that low to consider ending your life. Please don't ever say suicide is a selfish act, you do not understand the place people get into when they are that low, you've not walked that mile, you've not walked in those shoes. Please keep those misinformed views to yourself, it's misinformed views like that which keep people closed, that stop people opening up and getting help before it is too late.
Just please do not make comments about things you don't and probably will never understand. You will never understand until you get that low, I hope you never experience that feeling, i really do! When you have that view, take the time to speak to someone who has experience that, who has attempted suicide but failed. Try to listen to them, help you understand just how dark a place it is.
I am grateful I have been through that as it means I can help others that low. I know what to do before I ever get that low again, I have tools I put into place, I am honoured to have that knowledge, to know just how hard and dark a place it is. How even in a room of loved ones you feel incredibly lonely and want to be on your own. I am strong enough to get the help when I get that low. I've learnt from my experience. If you haven't experienced that, take time to talk to someone who has, so you can get a little understanding of what happens.
Suicide is not a selfish act, it really isn't!
To those of you who have been there, who have been in that dark pit, I am glad you are still here. I'm glad you are alive and reading this, you are not alone!